Better Because He Lived

He was humble.  He was not someone who would be remembered for amazing accomplishments or any claim to fame.  Yet, the fact that he lived and how he chose to live made a huge impact on those who knew him.  Those who knew him are better because they did.  

Dad was raised during a time when children often had to work with their parents to support their family.  I believe this helped develop a strong work ethic and sense of responsibility to help others at an early age.  He entered the Navy at a young age, further developing his sense of duty and sacrifice.

When I was a child, I thought my dad knew everything.  It seemed like he usually had an answer for any question I had.  He was an avid reader, had traveled extensively through his military service, and had a great memory.  All probably helped him be able to amaze me with his knowledge.  As I got older, I admired him more for his wisdom.

My dad was also an excellent provider for his family.  I never felt as though I lacked anything, yet we were not what most would consider rich.  In fact, I remember him once saying how he wished he could give me more.  Dad not only took care of his family, but he was also very generous to others.  He provided financial help to others, lent a hand when one was needed, gave rides, and provided a place to live to various extended family members at different times.

If you needed a laugh, my dad was sure to provide.  He had a quick wit and loved to playfully tease people.   And, he could say funny things without cracking a smile.  When I was little, there were times that I wasn’t sure if he was serious or joking.  His sense of humor was charming, and it served him well throughout his life.  In fact, one of the workers in the assisted living facility started calling him “Hercules.”  When I asked her why, she said that once she had come to his door to bring him something, and he jokingly told her she was just there to see his “herculean body.”  So the name “Hercules” stuck.

Even though my dad had heart problems for many years, he had the biggest heart of anyone I know.  His love for my mom was so tender and kind, despite the impact of dementia on her mind and behavior.   Many times in both my childhood and adulthood, I saw him show compassion to many, both strangers and those we knew.  He was consistent in putting others’ needs before his own.  And, you could not find a more devoted dad, grandfather, and great-grandfather.  It was a joy to watch him with his grandchildren and great-granddaughters.  Each knew they were deeply loved by their papa.

 His absence is greatly felt, not just by his family, but by countless friends and acquaintances as well.  I was reminded by a friend recently of just how blessed I am to have had such a good dad, and that not everyone is so lucky.  I am forever grateful to my heavenly Father for giving me such an amazing earthly father, and I look forward to the day when I can see him again.

A Little Less Crazy, PLEASE

Have you ever had a period of time when crazy, random events keep happening?  One of those times where you just want to throw up your hands and shout, “Are you kidding me?!”  The past couple of weeks have been like that for me.  It’s a good thing I have a good sense of humor.

The first strange, recent event happened after I stopped at the strawberry stand for half a flat of strawberries.  I was on my way to visit my dad, who had just come home from a stay in the hospital.  I decided to take one of the baskets to him.  As I was carrying it into his assisted living place, one of the residents, walked up to me, reached over my shoulder and said, “Let me try a strawberry,” as he proceeded to try to grab one.  I turned quickly and pulled away the basket, telling him they were for my dad.

Then, about a week later, we were at the hospital again.  This time, Dad was in the ER, and my sister and I had gone to get a coffee.  We were heading back in with said coffee, when this guy tried to grab my coffee.  Again, my quick ninja-like moves, saved my coffee, and my big sister (always my protector), yelled at the guy to leave me alone.

The last “crazy” thing, though, was definitely more upsetting.  Fast forward another week, and I was leaving my nephew’s house.  My sister and her daughter were in the car ahead of me.  I was stopping at a redlight, looked up in the rearview mirror, and noticed that the woman behind me was looking down (likely at her phone).  I caught her wide-eyed look and her mouthing the words, “Oh no” as she realized she just hit me.  I motioned for her to follow me to pull over.  She acted like she was going to pull behind me and promptly sped away.  Thankfully, there was relatively little damage to my car (which I am wanting to replace), and no damage to me (which I can’t replace).

Needless to say, I’m not sure if I just need to stay in bed for a couple of days to avoid any more craziness.  However, I am up and hopeful for what this new day might bring.

In the Most Capable Hands

“I know you’re able and I know you can.

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if you don’t

My hope is you alone.”  MercyMe

The lyrics from MercyMe’s “Even If” are so powerful and speak to my heart.  The story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego which inspired the song tells of three young men who trusted God completely.  The king had built a huge statue and ordered all his subjects to bow down to it or be thrown into a fiery furnace.   These three chose not to obey the king. Instead they obeyed the One who was “able to deliver” them from the furnace knowing that “even if He does not” they would obey Him all the same (Daniel 3:17-18).  What amazing trust they exhibited!  Yet, they were still thrown into the furnace.  God did not save them from it but chose instead to walk through it with them.

How many times do we pray about a situation and talk about how we need to “put it in God’s hands?”  What a funny expression that is, like it wasn’t already in His hands in the first place.  More accurately, we need to trust what God will do with the situation.  So many times, I think I know the best way for a situation to be resolved.  God is teaching me to trust what is already in His capable hands, that He will always do what is best, even when it is not the answer I want.  One wise friend explained it to me as praying and waiting to watch His plan unfold.

Waiting.  That is the hard part.  And trusting.  If I think back to past prayers and how they were answered, God has a proven track record.  Years ago, when I was finishing my college degree, I was on the waiting list for the teaching credential program.   Things were not turning out according to my plan.  Then I heard of how the Christian school I had attended had some openings.  Maybe this was the direction God had for me.  So, my husband and I made plans to move back to our hometown.  However, I did not get either open position.  How could God not make a way for me to get into the credential program or into one of the open teaching positions?  Okay, so it was not a life or death situation like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego faced, but it felt pretty serious at the time.  

God’s answer to the prayer was not a definitive “no” like it seemed, but a “not yet.”  He had a better plan, as He always does.  Some months later, I learned that the teacher who had taken sixth grade was going to be moving due to her husband’s job transfer.  I was offered the job and even had the benefit of working with her for a week and learning from her expertise.  Plus, the other teacher who had been hired became a mentor to me.   I would have been lost as to where to begin had I been hired from the start.  But, God’s perfect timing provided the best path for me to start teaching and eventually earn my credential.  I learned so many valuable lessons along the way.

It will probably always be hard to wait for God’s unfolding plan and His timing, but I am learning to trust that His way is best.  He sees the big picture, and I don’t.  My hope needs to be Him alone.

Savor the Season

Living in an area that has been suffering from extended drought, recent rain has been very welcome, up to a certain point.  It is funny how it can be with weather.  When it has been raining for several days (at least in California), we are ready for sunshine.  When it is sunny and hot, we are ready for cooler weather.  It seems like no matter the season, there is always a reason to look forward to the next season.  Each one brings something we look forward to enjoying, especially when it feels like we've “enjoyed” the current season too long.  

There are also seasons of life.  One of the best pieces of wedding advice I received years ago was to not worry about the day but to focus on enjoying it fully.  The same advice can be applied to seasons of life.  Each season brings different joys and sorrows, yet instead of wanting to get through one season and on to the next, it is important to make the most of that particular season.  Soak it in because it will not last forever, and you may find you missed it.

When my family was in the midst of dealing with my mom’s dementia and varying health issues, it was a particularly trying season of life.  It made me think more about aging and grapple with some fears about what that might bring in my own life.   It also reminded me that life is fragile and tomorrow is not guaranteed.  That awareness made me want to focus more on relationships and making the most of the fleeting moments I am given.  I want to experience and savor those moments, instead of wishing I could return to a different season of life or move on to a new, “grass is greener” kind of season.    

A quote from this morning’s sermon, sums it up well, “The moments we can share heart to heart with someone are some of the best moments.”  

Observations on Love

Love is more than an emotion.  

Love is doing the hard things.

Love is losing sleep, getting up in the middle of the night to soothe a sick or scared child.

Love is changing diapers and reading the same story over and over and over again.

Love is choosing to say “no” when the easiest, though not best answer is “yes.”

Love is willingly putting someone else’s needs first.

Love is giving without expecting anything in return.

Love is doing what is right, even if it is not popular.

Love is not about you but about the one you love.

Love is simply being there.

Love is  lending a hand or an ear.

Love is the daily ins and outs of friendship, raising children, and marriage.

Love is the greatest gift.  

And the greatest gift of love was given with outstretched arms by a one and only Son of a loving Father who loved us more than we could ask, imagine, or deserve.

Tribute to a Beautiful Woman

Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl who did not realize her true worth.  She had often been told she was pretty while her sister was told she was smart, so she thought she was not smart.  She started school at four years old so she would be a grade behind her sister (instead of two grades like she was supposed to be), and this further reinforced the feeling that she must not be smart.  As she grew, her sister loved to be away from home while she stayed home to cook and clean.  She was always very responsible.

As time went on, she chanced to see a friend whose brother was home on military leave.  The friend wanted her to meet her brother, but she did not quite feel up to doing so.  The friend pressed, and this now beautiful young woman gave in, a decision that would change the direction of her life.  For, at this meeting, she met her Prince Charming, the love of her life.  After four consecutive dates, this young woman was braver than she realized and took the step to elope with her Prince.  The two then moved far away from any family and started their adventure together, an adventure that would last 55 years.

Even though she often felt insecure about her worth and never quite smart enough or good enough, she dedicated herself to be the best wife and, eventually, mother she could be.  She even managed on her own to take care of her toddler, while pregnant with her second child and waiting the chance to join her military husband in Japan.  This beautiful woman was certainly much more capable than she realized.  So much so, that she later took care of her family through her husband’s service in Vietnam, dealing with various childhood illnesses and the like all on her own.

When her third child came, she suffered complications that scared her family that they might lose her.  Yet, she was stronger than she knew and survived to give her baby girl the chance to later tell her story.

Though the woman was insecure about her abilities, she went to college and did very well.  She earned her certificate and taught briefly as a preschool teacher.  She later served as a school librarian, a job she thoroughly enjoyed.  She often said she would have loved being a Kindergarten teacher.  The closest she came was serving as a volunteer in her daughter’s first grade class.  

This beautiful woman committed herself to the needs of others.  She later became beloved “Granny” to several children she babysat.  She helped her children with her grandchildren.  She taught lessons on the church Joy Bus and lovingly taught Sunday school for years.  This woman had such a heart for others and often invited those who were alone over for meals and to join her family during the holidays.  She was a friend to young and old alike.

Even when age, illness, and difficult life circumstances took a toll on her “happily ever after,” she still made those around her feel important and loved.  She eventually was unable to stay in her home.  It was a difficult transition, but she became such a bright light to those around her in the nursing home.  She knew many people by name and greeted everyone who passed by her door.  She prayed with and for other residents and spoke up for those who no longer had the ability to do so.  Visitors and workers would come by her room for a smile and a kind word.

It was a sad day for all, when the Lord called this beautiful woman home for her reward.  While she may never have realized how smart and strong she was and what a blessing her life was to so many, I am thankful that I was blessed to call this beautiful woman my mother. She taught me so many valuable lessons in life and instilled in me a belief that I was capable of being whatever I wanted to be in life. Most importantly, she taught me by example what love is.

Finding Humor

They say laughter is the best medicine.  Thankfully, I grew up in a home where laughter was heard often.  Anyone who knows my dad, knows he has a quick wit and a great sense of humor.  There were times as a kid where I wasn’t sure if my dad was serious or joking.  We even found humor in things that others might not.  In fact, my mom used to say, “I had to laugh to keep from crying.”

The ability to find humor, even in difficult situations and circumstances was helpful “medicine” as we dealt with the challenges brought on by my mom’s health issues and dementia.  One such situation was when my sister and I were at the ER with my mom.  They were going over test results and one of them said she had marijuana in her system.  My mom did not even drink, much less smoke pot.  We knew it was a mistake, but it also became a joke.  My mom even patted her stomach, and said, “Here’s my pot right here.”  With all three of us hysterically laughing, I’m sure the medical staff was even more convinced that there had been no mistake and that we probably all were “under the influence.”

When my mom was in skilled nursing, there was always something to “laugh about to keep from crying.”  Like how competitive my mom became with Bingo.  She had particular cards she had to get, and she wanted to arrive a good twenty minutes early to make sure the “hesh” (mom wasn’t sure if it was a man or a woman) didn’t get HER cards.  We also found humor in how my once extremely patient mom would talk about how that lady who yelled down the hall just needed to “shut up!”   And, when we left the facility after a visit, my mom had a routine of waiting in the lobby and watching us leave.  She wanted us to pull up in front and wave at her.  I guess my sister-in-law forgot once, and we all never heard the end of it.  She would remind us every time to pull up and wave, and when I said I would try, she would say, “Well, you forgot last time.”  Again, we had to laugh over it.

Seeing my mom suffering from dementia was not funny, but, finding humor where we could, helped us all cope better with the sadness. It was a blessing that she did not lose her sense of humor despite everything else she lost, and she was usually laughing right with us.  As we grieve losing her, remembering and laughing again over what was funny, is good medicine.

Not How I Planned It

I always knew I wanted to be a mom.  I envisioned having two or three children and being a stay-at-home mom. Why not?  That's what my mom did. At the same time, I always wanted to be a teacher.  In fact, when I was a kid, my cousin used to ask me why I wanted to be a teacher when I did well in school and could make more money doing something else.  

Early on in marriage I started to learn that life rarely goes according to plan.  A few years into marriage and having friends who were starting  to have kids, I started wondering why my time hadn't come.  We weren't doing anything to prevent pregnancy, yet I wasn't pregnant.  

One day, while crying on the phone to my mom about how “so and so would probably be grandparents before we ever had kids,” my mom told me the possible reason.  When I was l six years old, I required surgery because of very painful bladder issues.  One danger of the surgery was the possibility that I may not be able to have children.  My parents weighed the costs against the excruciating pain I would regularly wake up screaming with, and chose the surgery.  They did not explain the “possible side effects” to me at the time because I was too young to understand.

So, I went on with the hope that maybe, someday I would be able to have a baby.  At that point, part of my plan was actually realized, I was teaching.  Better yet, I was teaching at the school I attended as a child.  Of course, I still wanted to be a mom and shed many tears after going to baby showers for friends or seeing young mothers with new babies.   But, I was learning to trust that God was in control and to understand that His timing was often very different from my own.

Fast forward to four years of marriage, still no baby, and my husband decided to join the Army Reserves.  About a month before he left for Basic Training we discovered, SURPRISE, I was pregnant.  We were thrilled, but, if only the timing had been before he joined!  Again, we had to trust God’s timing and plan.

After our son was born, we settled into life as parents.  I left teaching for a time to be a stay-at-home mom.  We saved what Christian grew out of for “the next one.”  However, the older he got (and I got), the less likely it seemed there would be another baby.  Even though I was so happy and thankful to have a child, my heart ached for another.

At some point, I’m not sure exactly when, I learned to accept the fact that we had an only child, not just an “only child for now.” I was already thankful that I was able to become a mother to an amazing baby boy.  I also learned that families come in all shapes and sizes and that having one did not make me less a parent than if I had several.

Life rarely turns out according to plan, and that is okay because I am learning to trust that God's plan is always better than mine could ever be.

People who inspire

“You make me want to be a better man” is the line Jack Nicholson’s character tells Helen Hunt in the movie “As Good as It Gets.”  The line immediately touches the heartstrings, but for me, it also reminds me that I am (and have been) surrounded by people who live in such a way to inspire me to be a better person and a better friend.  Those who are thoughtful and give of themselves in various ways have long-inspired me to do the same, to “pay it forward” so to speak.

Years ago, when my son was little and my husband was deployed, I was blessed to have an amazing amount of support.  Two friends especially come to mind as making a difference in my life at that time.  One friend just made herself available.  In fact, the very day that my husband left on deployment, she came over just to spend time with me.  She did that a lot, and made the loneliness of being a temporary “single mom” more bearable.  Another friend, who had a child the same age, offered me to drop off my son any time I needed the break.  Neither lady would think of what they did for me as being anything special, but both of them were a huge help to me at a time of need.  As I look back, it reminds me that I can help others by being present and giving my time as they did for me.

All the ways that people reached out to my family and me when we lost my mom touched my heart more than any of them will ever know.  One such friend gave my family a special gift.  Even though she had never met my mom, she came to her memorial and took charge of the guest book.  Then she lovingly helped serve the food and stayed to help with the clean up afterward.  Her gift of time and service was a comfort and a reminder that I also need to be generous with my time as a friend.

Without going into great detail, recently, two friends have touched, encouraged, and inspired me with thoughtful and selfless acts.  One friend chose to make known a career decision earlier than she would prefer because she knew if she waited, it might have a negative impact on me.  Another friend, willingingly gave up priority for changing grade levels, so that I could have the spot I prefered.  Both examples, inspire me to remember to “not look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:4)

I could go on because, thankfully, I am blessed to know many inspiring people.  The people who inspire me most probably would not think much of what they do.  Perhaps the fact they do not see themselves as inspiring, is the reason they are inspiring.  They might think that what they do is nothing big.  However, I am learning that what might be a small kindness in the giver’s eyes, can be huge to the person receiving the kindness.  I am inspired that little kindnesses can make a big difference.  I hope you will be inspired, too.

The importance of gratitude is a lesson that's been impressed on me for years.  I have had an attitude of gratitude modeled to me by various people.  My husband’s stepfather, Billy Jack, was one of the most grateful people I have known.  He regularly shared how thankful he was for what most people take for granted.  A favorite book, Corrie Ten Boom’s The Hiding Place has so many lessons to learn, but one that stands out is how Corrie learned to be grateful even in the midst of a concentration camp where she had been imprisoned for hiding Jews during the Holocaust.  Corrie discovered the meaning of “giving thanks in all circumstances.” (I Thessalonians 5:18)

So this past year, I learned that even a broken heart can find something for which to be grateful.  We thought we were going to lose Mom in January when she was hospitalized.  She even told my dad that she was ready to go home to heaven.  But, thankfully, God granted us a little more time with her.  Not only did we have more time, but the last couple weeks of Mom’s life were filled with some very special moments.  She got to celebrate her 77th birthday with most of the family.  My sister-in-law and niece took her and my dad for a day trip to one of their favorite places.  She had a lovely Valentine’s Day celebration with my dad at her nursing home.  In fact, she was so sharp that day that she was able to tell me all the details of what they ate and what the entertainment was.  I had asked her to pray for me as I had to interview to stay at my beloved school.  She encouraged me by saying she would pray, but that she didn’t “know why they wouldn’t want me.”  Mom always was the encourager.  At the time, we did not know what a blessing these last two weeks would be.

I got the call Wednesday, February 17, from my sister that Mom was gone.  We could both hardly talk as we sobbed and realized that the time we dreaded was here.  My sister was watching her older granddaughter as her daughter-in-law was in labor with the new baby.  The responsibility fell to me, the little sister, to take my dad to say good-bye to Mom.  Not a task I wanted.  But, even that day, God made me aware of reasons to be grateful.  One, I was already prepared for a substitute as I was scheduled to attend training.  I learned from the hospital staff that Mom had asked to brush her teeth, drink some water, and put on her lipstick before she went to bed the night before.  When I was a kid, Mom never left the house without her lipstick.  I was thankful she seemed ready to go and went peacefully.  I learned from my dad that he had called and talked to her after she went to bed.  Another reason to be thankful, she got to speak to the love of her life before going home.  I was also grateful to see that my mom, who had become a little demanding in her illness, was so loved by the staff and other residents and would truly be missed by many.  And, later that day, in the midst of our deep sorrow, we all got to experience great joy in meeting Mom’s newest great-granddaughter.  I am thankful for God’s timing as Ellie was born past her due date, but I think she was born right on time.

In the days and weeks that followed, I was also grateful beyond words for the love and support poured out on my family.  A close friend from small group came to our house as soon as he heard, just to pray with us.  My principal was such a help in arranging coverage for my class for the rest of the week and reassuring me that all was okay.  The cards, calls, and prayers of those who were hurting with us, did so much to carry us through our grief.  One dear friend sent me a card with a packet of “Forget-Me-Not” seeds.  When I returned to work, I had flowers, hugs, and cards from students and my school family.

Loss is never easy, but it helps to be able to find the blessings that can come with it.

It's 2017

The few days leading up to the start of a new year are often a time of reflection.  This year, or to be more accurate, last year was no different.  The media is filled with remembrances of the news highlights of the year that is ending including touching memorials to those in the public eye that we lost.  While I am saddened at the loss of people in the entertainment industry, especially those it seems we lost too soon, personally, I am still grieving a significant loss in my life, the loss of my dear mother.

While the grief is still fresh, I am also reminded of the goodness of God, who carries my family through this loss.  He took my mother gently in her sleep, and, though she suffered dementia, we were able to see the profound positive impact she still had on those around her.  He blessed us by allowing us more time with my dad, who has dealt with his own major health concerns this past year, to include receiving a pacemaker.  The very day we lost my mom, my sister’s second granddaughter was born.  That was a huge blessing to be able to experience such joy in the midst of great sorrow.  I also believe that through this loss, God is teaching me a great deal to make me a better person.

It is what I am learning (and maybe have been learning for a while) that I feel compelled to write about.  The good and bad in life are all part of living and loving, and I believe God allows us to experience both to help us become the people He wants us to be.  In all circumstances I know I have to choose to trust in God’s goodness, even when I do not understand it.  I have to choose to let “the joy of the Lord be my strength.” (Nehemiah 8:10)  It is my hope that sharing what I am learning will be of help to others.  I have called my blog “Learning to Bloom” because I have long loved the expression “Bloom Where You’re Planted” and believe that through certain circumstances, that is exactly what I am learning to do.